I have been thinking alot. thinking too much but I think what I have thought and concluded make sense I have always blame him for hurting me. that's why during the quarrels, I remind him again and again that it was he who hurt me. but thinking back, it was me who allowed him into my life to hurt me. so in what position can I say those or blame him if I didn't make those decisions way back, maybe things won't end up this way? I really hope and wish for thing to work out. for us not to quarrel, not to be emotional, but to really care, trust and be honest with each other. but I am really scare that my trust have been used up cause I can't seem to trust you the way as before anymore. but I am really trying hard. really trying . and when tines we quarrel, I will even blame myself for being emotional and can't let go of the past. but I also don't know what else can I do.. :"( and I am not angry at you, I am angry at myself. why did I even allow myself to get hurt till this state where I can't even be back myself. thw cheerful, secure, confident self. I am not blaming you. but I just don't know if I am staying on because of love or what really is it? maybe it's cause, there are no other choices I can make cause I have already cut all way out myself :) or am I pure silliness? oh well, no one cares too. not anyone anymore :)