just now cui xian jie and Joi came over to my hse
we shared alot
and somehow i learn new things too

somehow they was helping me interpret my DISC and my sis
my sis got hers from pastor
and my sis told me how pastor can predict mine

haha
through the things i did?
i guess that's how he concluded

i shall skip that part

we was talking about childhood times too
to be honest
i cant remember things that happen before Pri 5?
really
whenever i hear ppl say abt what they did when was young
i seem to ponder what did i do when i was young?

i really dont remember
really
and Cui Xian Jie said
maybe its cause i chose not to remember any of them

i think its true
i think abt it just now for awhile
alot of things happen
way before when i was small
a lot of things happen
really
maybe that really resulted in who i am now

there was really just too much wounds afflicted
suddenly
all came back to me
again

i really hope i can escape from all of those
but those are just so deep so deep down there
i didnt even remove the root but chose to continue living

i think i really use my life as a way of escaping
i do what i want
with my life

i am just purely making use of people as what others see me as
perhaps i really am

my I factor wasnt that high
but infront of people
i made that factor so high
so high
high until i am abit tired of it now

i feel like living just a simple life

Lord
teach me
really
she said something that really touches me just now
she said in Ecclesiast 3 somewhere
it was writen
that God allowed every single thing to happen for its reason
and He knows it all
why?
cause He have been in control all along

i believe that
but i wanna move on Lord
i dont wanna stuck here

after a few weeks i am still here
in this hole
i have just been struggling to get out or stay
i guess i just have to be firm
FIRM is the word

i have made a lot of decisions before
but all ended no where cause i wasn't firm enough
Lord
teach me

"求主圣灵 坚定我心
让神的话 鼓励我心
让我依然 持守抉择
不让世俗 模糊视线

尽管这路 崎岖钻则
尽管面对 多少波折
让我依然 持守决择
不会放弃 没有悔意"