today went out with zt & jh
it ws quite fun
haha
ate lunch & after that went to zt hse
and
i slept for like 2 hours at her hse
haha
long time nvr talk to her
like that le..
haha
err
ohh
i want to share abt ytd
i went church for flag practice and also worship practice
i was quite encouraged by Li yao's sharing
he asked a qns
'have you ever been in a situation that is so bad but still u have to worship God?'
i am sure everybody does have their own experience
i have mine too
but its at those situation that u know that u have to praise Him
though how unwilling you are
but sometimes,
i guess we humans are just too weak to do so
ya
and li yao shared something abt his past week reflection
then he say God was like speaking to Him in like some ways
sometimes, in the midst of our trials
when God says
'i want you to worship me even in your trials'
in our different ministry and position
we will somehow or what qns God
"me? are You sure its me? or You got mixed up? are You calling to the one next to me? she is certainly far better than me to worship You now. i am not worthy to worship You. and. how am i going to praise You in this kind of deep shit situation? i cant do this. i am sure You got all mixed up."
but what if He really wants You to worship Him at that point of time
when you know that you are in such a terrible state
and that you can't rely any more on yourself
that's why when You worship Him, You will cry out to Him
MORE
that somehow touch me
and seriously
i feel that i have been going through all those worse things in my life that i could think of
but
am i still flagging the flag with the attitude that i once had when i was a beginner?
the attitude of lifting Him up only in my life
that just somehow makes me think of myself
i almost cried but i controlled myself
i feel that i have been going to church with a mask
almost everytime when i go
sometimes
i just dunno how to react when i see some ppl
putting on a act is tiring
very tiring
faking a smile on your face even if you don't mean it
and all those ministry that i am serving in
am i still serving with the correct attitude?
i don't know
all i know is
i wanna return to the way i was like when i first entered church
though i know
its impossible
then this sun got duty for dance also
i was somehow thinking why did Li yao chose me for this thing?
i don't think i am in any position to worship Him with the flag
i have disappoint Him more than i could disappoint all other ppl
maybe even more
but God
just let me worship You with my heart this sun
let me cry out to You even if no one understands me
cause even in my lowest in life
i am still gonna worship You
simply because
You are worthy of my praise

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world."Isaiah 12:4-5 (NIV)

God, help me
i dunno how to say it out in words anymore
all those things that are in my heart that are on me help me
cause You know me better than i know myself
i just wanna worship You with my life
be the worshipper that You are looking for
though i know that i am doing a lousy job in my life right now
i can't see myself as clearly as i used to last time
You know the desires of my heart
you know that i don't want to see her know
i know i am causing hurt to her
God, lead me in Your own ways
i am starting to despise myself now
cause i know
compared to her
i am really nothing
after all these things happen
i feel that i am drifting further away from You
i feel that she is more
holy?
than me
i am tired and sick of all these
i don't know what else i can do
help me God
cause i am going to rely on You
cause You are my shelter
even though when no one understands me
i know you do
i pray in Jesus name
amen

God, fill my thirsty heart
cause all i want
is You
all i need
is to be with You